A scar of truth

A scar of truth

What’s in a name?

Being truthful. Gosh, simply writing it down makes it seem so easy. But what does it actually mean ‘being truthful’; to oneself, to another, to ﷲ ta’ala? For me, being truthful has become a way of life, however it has been a truly challenging road to get to the place of comfort where I’m at now. I believe truthfulness has two sides. One part involves being able to see the reality for what it is, every aspect of it. The other part is acceptance or better yet, tawakkul: putting your trust in God’s plan and truly believing that his plan is the best of plans.

From an Islamic point of view, I believe it is best, one is ought to keep his or her personal life, private. Though for this specific blog, I do want to illustrate with a personal and more vulnerable story of my own. There was a time in my late teens when I told myself I never wanted to have kids. I was very adamant and no on had to try to tell me otherwise. Don’t get me wrong, I loved babies and loved kids. And the feeling was mutual. I was some kind of baby whisperer. Always the first to come up with some amazing bedtime stories with the necessary cliffhanger leaving the kids wanting more the next day. In that sense, I was the Sheherazade of the family.

Though, it didn’t change the fact that I didn’t want to become a mother myself. I stayed that way for quite some years and it took me a long while too, to understand that it’s not motherhood I didn’t want or the children I didn’t want to carry. I simply was afraid. Afraid that someday I would become a resemblance of my past experiences. Once I accepted what happened and gave it a place, I prayed to ﷲ ﷻ for what was and is truly in my heart, cause he knows best.

ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ وَٱلصَّـٰدِقِينَ وَٱلۡقَٰنِتِينَ وَٱلۡمُنفِقِينَ وَٱلۡمُسۡتَغۡفِرِينَ بِٱلۡأَسۡحَارِ

“The patient, the true, the obedient, those who spend [in the way of Allah], and those who seek forgiveness before dawn.” (Al-Imran, 3:17)

ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ وَٱلصَّـٰدِقِينَ وَٱلۡقَٰنِتِينَ وَٱلۡمُنفِقِينَ وَٱلۡمُسۡتَغۡفِرِينَ بِٱلۡأَسۡحَارِ

“The patient, the true, the obedient, those who spend [in the way of Allah], and those who seek forgiveness before dawn.” (Al-Imran, 3:17)

Rizq of ﷲ

‎ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ

Accepting my past, has been part of my growth process. By standing more firm in our deen and my imaan, I entered a different type of acceptance stage. As a 30 something year old, I do understand that marriage and children are rizq from ﷲ ta’ala. Furthermore, as a woman personally, I need to be able to look at a man and envision myself having his kids and ask myself the question: if I would to have his child, and our child would resemble his character 100%, would I be comfortable with that. Would that make me both proud of my husband and our child? If the answer is yes, then I know, from my side I would be at peace. However, I need a man to be able to look at me and ask himself that same question. If he is in doubt, than unfortunately I cannot take away his doubt. If he, on the other hand, feels peaceful too, than may ﷲ bless us إن شاء الله.

Yet acceptance is more than that. It’s being ok with whatever ﷲ ta’ala has planned. It’s saying ‎ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ for what you have and ‎ٱلْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ for what you might not have nor possibly ever will. Only ﷲ ﷻ knows what the future holds. Though that is extremely scary at times, it does leave that scar of truth. Because being truthful to thyself also means that sometimes you allow yourself to feel the hurt, the pain, the suffering before you can sense the beauty of growth.

To wrap this blog up, I do want to close off by saying that being truthful also implicates other people. Sometime we find ourselves in situations where people tend to bend the truth. It’s hard to say what drives another mind, but mostly we think we can spare the emotions of someone, we can avoid drama, we can simply let a situation run its course. But does it ever really work? No, one creates an alternate reality by bending the truth.

For me life has become really simple. I take each day by day. I can only know what is in my mind and what truth I must speak. Those around me know that I’ll make sure to share my truth without inflicting any harm. I can only hope that those around me, do the same إن شاء الله.

إن شاء الله khair

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